Well friends, Bill O’Reilly and the gods of greed got their war on thanksgiving off to a good start yesterday.
The 4 slice toasters, made in China at a cost of approximately $1.48, were flying off the shelves at J.C. Penney stores nationwide, for a mere $20 with a $10 rebate. Many stores reported being sold out within minutes of their 5 pm opening.
Ladies returning home have reported savings of up to $100 each.
Government sources are considering using these savings to open more charter schools and/or prisons or maybe even some more bombs. The bombs could be used to blow up and kill the few remaining heathens of the world that fail to join us in our annual celebration of greed.
Meanwhile the gods of greed, seeing this successful start, are planning on expanding this program. They are working on convincing the public the real name of the day is “Merry Thinkshopping day.” They dropped the Happy used in the previous greeting of the day, thinking Merry will tie in nicely with the day of obscene consumption celebrated later in the year.
Planners are working on having the Detroit Lions play their game in London giving the day a 9 am start for the men that prefer football betting to spending the day at the mall. This will require forsaking the traditional turkey dinner and various colored “Jell-O” molds and going with a much quicker and easier Turkey bacon sandwiches. With a side of frozen hash browns for those with a more discerning taste.
And so my friends prepare yourselves for sleepless days and nights with charge cards a swiping and the *ladies elbowing their way through the malls in pursuit of that 40 pound bag of tube socks for only $8.99.
Men sitting in front of the wide screen at home swilling beer and switching to Turkey burgers with a side on nachos as the day wears into night and the 5th game begins with a sentimental singing of God Bless America sung by a fat lady who hires someone to do her shopping.
After all Commerce is the reason for the season. So shop on my friends, shop on!
*some men also partake in the shoving and screaming at the malls