In the future all citizens wishing to vote in federal elections will be required to provide proof of baptism.
This does not include one of those fake baptisms, where a priest makes the sign of the cross on you using “Holy” water.
This has to be a true born again baptism, one where you get dunked fully in the waters.
After all, it should be common knowledge by now, you are not a true Christian unless you have been born again and baptized properly.
American preacher, televangelist Joel Osteen has offered his services in baptizing the masses at only $35.00 each.
This will be offered in the months leading up to the 2016 primary elections. You can send a deposit (non-refundable) to the preacher Osteen at his River Oaks multi-million dollar mansion in River Oaks, TX.
This deposit will guarantee you a front of the line baptism and clean water in the tub you will be dunked in.
For an extra $40.00 you can receive your baptism in the river of your choice.*
*Travel expenses for the preacher will be assumed by the recipient.
So my friends, get your checks and money orders in now.
Save your soul and do something patriotic other than just killing a Muslim.
You’ll feel better, for sure.